There is no doubt that being sick leads to many frustrations. There is even less doubt that those frustrations increase when no one can figure out why you are sick. I’m there right now… I have what I call a “silent sickness”, meaning, something is wrong with me and none of the doctors so far have been able to find out why. Test after test has come back negative and if I hear “well, you don’t look sick”, one more time, I may explode. Partly because I know that I’m sick (which you don’t have to “look sick” to actually be sick), and partly because if you had known me before all of this started, I look a whole lot rougher than I did a year or two ago. I feel like I need to talk on this because I know that there are others out there struggling with the same thing that I am. We may not have the same sickness, but I’m willing to bet that we are encountering a lot of the same roadblocks and struggles.
“You can’t be THAT sick”, “Well, I have problems too, I just have to push through”, “If all the tests are negative, maybe it’s all in your head”, and too many more phrases to count. I feel like I have heard them all. If you’ve heard these, then you know how absolutely infuriating it is to have someone boil down the battle of your life into…. just nothing… You don’t know what’s wrong with you, just that there is something very wrong with your body/mind or both and the people around you barely believe you. Don’t even get me started on the doctors, half of them look at you like you’re crazy and the other half pawn it off on illnesses that you have dealt with for most of your life (illnesses that you know this new sickness is nothing like). Frustrating isn’t even a strong enough word to describe how shattering this journey can be. You feel alone, drained, and at some point in time, you start to believe that maybe it is all in your head (even when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it isn’t). I know that I have…. After months of putting myself last, because I thought of my silent sickness as an inconvenience to those around me and I thought that I could just “push through”, I have finally decided that my health needs to either come first, or darn near close to it.
I haven’t been doing it long enough to know what comes next. I am hoping and praying that answers will come soon, and then healing. Realistically, I don’t expect those answers anytime soon… I expect lots of tests and lots of pushback. I expect more comments and a lot of people not understanding. Even with all of the negative that I’m pretty sure will be coming my way, I also know that I will maintain hope. I serve a God who heals and I know that I am going through this journey for a reason. So, for now, I take all of the frustration and I try to learn from it. My silent sickness may be hard, but I refuse to let it ruin my happiness. If you are in the same situation, I encourage you to do the same; expect the rough roads that are likely ahead, but hold out hope that the answers are coming. You can get through this, you will get through this, and it’s okay to take care of yourself. We may not have a name to match to our illness yet, but we have other people out there who understand what we are going through, and answers in our futures.
I hope that you enjoyed this post and my hope for you guys is that you will gain comfort from this post or understanding from it. Silent sickness is no joke and it should be treated accordingly. If you are going through this and you feel alone and defeated, like no one out there believes you, then please reach out to me. I understand, I believe you, and you aren’t alone. Thank y’all so much for reading and as always, much love and God bless!
Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good thing, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. – Psalm 103:1-5
If you enjoyed this post, check out my post on Even Broken Things Can Be Beautiful and Treating Yourself With The Same Kindness You’d Give Others